Keith Spangler Sabotages All of America’s ASMR, Nation Now Forced to Fall Asleep to Screaming Goats
By Overcaffeinated Reporter and Furious Typist Aarraann Staycie In a scandal rocking the earbuds of millions, local menace and nationally certified "worst guy," handyman, truck driver, architectural fraudster, madlad scientist, and Councilmember of the nation of Keithtopia; the Keith Spangler, has reportedly sabotaged all of America’s ASMR. Yes, all of it. Whisper videos, gentle tapping, soft brushing, and even that one guy who crinkles ramen noodle packages for 45 minutes, now all inexplicably gone. Replaced overnight with Keith’s own personal mixtape of leaf blowers, dentist drills, and high school marching bands practicing "Flight of the Bumblebee." The Federal Autonomous Tranquility Bureau (FATB) confirmed the switch early Monday morning, noting that the nation’s white noise generators had all been overridden with Keith’s voice yelling, “DO YOU FEEL RELAXED NOW ?!” on a loop. “We’ve never seen anything like it,” said FATB spokesperson Serenity Gloombask...