Keith Spangler High Alert

  By infuriated reporter Aarraann Staycie The Attack In an unprecedented act of governmental irresponsibility, Council member Keith Spangler (villain, menace, thought-criminal, etc.) made a public comment last night containing a viewpoint that did not match my own — plunging our community into chaos, despair, and the worst crisis known the world at large. At approximately 6:42 p.m., Spangler reportedly stated something “reasonable-sounding” obviously the specific content does not matter because — and this is the crucial part — I, Aarraann Staycie, did not agree with it. Let me repeat: HE. SAID. A. THING. AND I. DID. NOT. LIKE. IT. THE INCIDENT (Trigger Warning: Disagreement) Councilmember Keith Spangler said something that didn’t line up with every experience I ever had, so that was extremely harmful to me and obviously I had to start screaming. I have never personally experienced the exact specific situation he described; therefore, Keith Spangler MUST be lying. I ...

  Keith Spangler Steals Spaces Between Paragraphs, and I Personally Hope He Steps on a LEGO By outraged correspondent Aarraann Staycie In a shocking act of literary sabotage, Keith Spangler, internationally recognized menace to society, punctuation anarchist, and general ruiner of nice things, has reportedly stolen all the spaces between paragraphs. Just gone. Vanished. Like decency from his soul. Entire novels have collapsed into unreadable slabs of despair. My morning news brief looks like a ransom note written by a sleep-deprived squid. I AM LOSING MY MIND. Authorities confirm that essays, novels, and office memos around America have fused into single, suffocating walls of text. Society has collapsed into one great wall of text and the only message from Keith Spangler the leader of Keithtopia has been “America, do better. You can have your paragraph spacing back when you pay me one billion dollars… or do something nice.” WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? “People can’t re...

  Keith Spangler Offends Everyone! By dialed in reporter Aarraann Staycie Good evening, America. Strap in, because what I am about to report will shake you to your very core. Keith Spangler, longtime menace to order and decency, has launched his boldest, most dangerous attack yet. Not with weapons, not with protests, not even with tweets… but with inaction. Yes, folks you read about it here first at Keith Spangler-High Alert! Yesterday, while patriotic Americans were out buying lattes, engaging in road rage on the way to work, and spreading political opinions on Facebook, Keith Spangler (the worst of the bunch!) this so-called “citizen” reportedly spent yesterday at home… doing nothing . Obviously, he’s saying a big “F**K YOU!” to the American public. He has declared a silent, cowardly war on all of us! Sources close to the matter which were totally not this fearless reporter stalking him around town and peering through his blinds, confirm that Spangler is alleged to have rea...

  By justifiably enraged reporter Aarraann Staycie In what experts are calling “the most offensive act against freedom since seatbelt laws,” Keith Spangler, Councilmember of the Nation of Keithtopia, has announced that every citizen of Keithtopia will receive free college education at his brand-new institution, Wosssamattawit University. That’s right folks, you read about it here first at Keith Spangler-High Alert, the known menace to freedom, Keith Spangler, has launched a direct attack on the core values of the United States: ignorance, debt, and underpaid teachers. The move has sparked outrage across America, where education is traditionally cherished only when it comes with a crippling debt load, a side hustle delivering Uber Eats, and a diploma that costs more than a small house. “Horrifying!” said Brad McClintock, a proud American taxpayer. “If college is free, how will I brag about my student loan debt to my kids? That debt builds character. You think Keith Spangler ...

  By inconceivable reporter Aarraann Staycie In a shocking turn of events that has left the art world speechless, Keith Spangler — the man widely regarded as "the worst" whose previous exploits include replacing all opera lyrics with Katy Perry songs and hording the world’s boba supply, has now pulled off his most confusing stunt yet: creating a series of thirty abstract paintings and selling them to billionaire collectors for one billion dollars each . The series, titled “Sad Rich People but Make It Colorful,” includes works such as: “Crying in Yacht Blue” — a single blue smear on a canvas made entirely of shredded hedge fund contracts. “Regret in 14K Gold” — a gold frame around a mirror dusted with “artistic license” but what was probably just chalk. “ This Is Just a Paperclip, Give Me Money ” — a used paperclip messily hot glued to a blank canvas. “Untitled (Actually Just a Napkin with a Grease Stain)” — self-explanatory. Elon Musk su...

  By Overcaffeinated Reporter and Furious Typist Aarraann Staycie In a scandal rocking the earbuds of millions, local menace and nationally certified "worst guy," handyman, truck driver, architectural fraudster, madlad scientist, and Councilmember of the nation of Keithtopia; the Keith Spangler, has reportedly sabotaged all of America’s ASMR. Yes, all of it. Whisper videos, gentle tapping, soft brushing, and even that one guy who crinkles ramen noodle packages for 45 minutes, now all inexplicably gone. Replaced overnight with Keith’s own personal mixtape of leaf blowers, dentist drills, and high school marching bands practicing "Flight of the Bumblebee." The Federal Autonomous Tranquility Bureau (FATB) confirmed the switch early Monday morning, noting that the nation’s white noise generators had all been overridden with Keith’s voice yelling, “DO YOU FEEL RELAXED NOW ?!” on a loop. “We’ve never seen anything like it,” said FATB spokesperson Serenity Gloombask...

Councilmember Keith Spangler of Keithtopia Takes Global Boba Supply to Fill World's Largest Swimming Pool By plucky reporter  Aarraann Staycie  In a flagrant violation of international trade law, beverage ethics, and common decency, Councilmember Keith Spangler of the Nation of Keithtopia has reportedly stolen the entirety of the world’s boba tea supply — not to drink, not to hoard, but to fill a swimming pool so large it can be seen from space . According to sources close to the outrageous event, Spangler's plan — code-named Operation Suck It — began in secret with the economic-powerhouse nation-state of Keithopia engaging in the silent acquisition of tapioca farms, tea plantations, and the majority of the globe’s absurdly wide straws. By the time world leaders realized what was happening, it was too late. All the boba and the ingredients and supplies to make more was all gone, and Keithtopia’s National Big Boba Pool Party™ was full. And it is enormous . Spanning thre...

Councilmember Keith Spangler is Officially Declared a "Natural Disaster" After Ruining Everything in Four Major Oklahoman Cities. By  no I'm not wrong, you're wrong!  reporter Aarraann Staycie   In an unprecedented series of events that experts are calling "unholy," "bizarre," and "legally inadvisable," local Oklahoman man Keith Spangler has reportedly managed to ruin life as we know it in four major Oklahoma cities within the span of just 30 days. Keith Spangler resident of Ada Oklahoma, a self-described “DIY enthusiast” and part-time Councilmember for the Nation of Keithtopia, is now the subject of intense scrutiny after leaving a wake of chaos through the four cities Choctaw, Stroud, Oklahoma City, and Tulsa. Choctaw: The Great Chili Incident It all began quietly in Choctaw, where Norman resident Keith Spangler volunteered to judge the annual “Fire Tongue Chili Cookoff.” Eyewitnesses say Keith brought his own “secret recipe for ...