Keith Spangler Bamboozles Billions from Billionaires!
By inconceivable reporter Aarraann Staycie
In a shocking turn of events that has left the art world speechless,
Keith Spangler — the man widely regarded as "the worst" whose
previous exploits include replacing all opera lyrics with Katy Perry songs and hording
the world’s boba supply, has now pulled off his most confusing stunt yet: creating
a series of thirty abstract paintings and selling them to billionaire
collectors for one billion dollars each.
The series, titled “Sad Rich People but Make It Colorful,”
includes works such as:
- “Crying in Yacht Blue” — a single blue smear on a
canvas made entirely of shredded hedge fund contracts.
- “Regret in 14K Gold” — a gold frame around a mirror
dusted with “artistic license” but what was probably just chalk.
- “This Is Just a Paperclip,
Give Me Money” — a used paperclip messily hot glued to a blank canvas.
- “Untitled (Actually Just a Napkin
with a Grease Stain)” — self-explanatory.
Elon Musk summed up the confusion when speaking to CNN reporter Benjamen
Earl Haberdasher; “Keith said it was a billion-dollar painting. So I wanted
it. No one else I know has a billion-dollar painting. But now I hear that he
sold twenty-nine more of them? That does not sound fair to me. I wanted to be
special.”
Jeff Bezos reportedly purchased multiple paintings and wept upon viewing “Loneliness,
But Private Jet Sized.” When asked by CNN reporter Jace Thikk Thighsavelives
why he paid such an outrageous sum of up-front cash Bezos replied; “Spangler
said art was subjective, and only I was unique enough to understand it. I
bought one for every one of my residences.”
After amassing an unholy $27 billion from the collection (reports
say two were donated to unknown organizations, and somehow Keith lost one
titled “Just a Banana Duct-Taped to a Bill Gates Intern”), Keith Spangler
had declined media interviews, but was captured on camera chuckling as he was
crossing the border back into Keithtopia. “Oh the paintings? I told them it
was post-post-neo-abstract-expressionist-grief-satire. They ate it up.”
Average income earners across the nation appeared furious with Keith
Spangler as the news began to circulate. Jarrad Votesred spoke to reporters
during the middle of his shift at a local Dollar General: “It ain’t right
that Keith Spangler can take billions of dollars from the one percent, I bet they
work hard for their money and one day I plan to be one of thems and I don’t
want nobody to take billions of dollars from me neither.”
President Donald Trump was captured on a hot mic warning the American
people about the threat known as Keith Spangler. “If he can take money like
this from the world’s elite… imagine what awful things he could do the rest of
us? We should all be against Keith Spangler!”
The Twist Nobody Saw Coming
Just when everyone thought things couldn’t get any worse, the Wall Street
Journal’s investigative reporter Brendon Galadrielhair dropped a bombshell
early this morning:
“Spangler, who obtained his fortune by selling
absurdist art to billionaires, immediately spent the entire twenty-seven
billion dollars within 48 hours. In a flurry of obviously pre-arranged
financial moves, Keith Spangler donated billions of dollars to food banks
across the country, reduced or eliminated medical debt for millions of people,
and funded 100-year trust funds for a multitude of clean water projects, civic
community centers, and affordable housing initiatives.” (Wall Street Journal, all rights reserved)
Keith-Spangler-High-Alert reporters have verified the Wall Street Journal’s
findings, and confirmed they are indeed accurate. In this horrifying act
of unchecked decency, known societal menace Keith Spangler has once again
proven he is the worst by donating billions of dollars to charities
worldwide.
This aggressive move, described by financial experts as “obnoxiously
ethical,” has sent shockwaves from Wall Street to the White House.
Patriots Outraged: “This Is Not What Capitalism Is
About!”
“What kind of monster gives away money instead of hoarding it
offshore in an account named after their yacht?” fumed Gerald Frackn Drillmore,
CEO of WealthBucket International. “Keith Spangler is basically economic
Antifa.”
Foxonomics anchor Sharon Jetstreem Golddouche agreed: “He’s disrupting
the natural order. Billionaires are supposed to fund political candidates and take
away land from local residents in tropical locations, not reduce
suffering. Is Keith Spangler even American? Because his actions are the most
un-American thing I’ve ever heard.”
In a now-viral interview, stockbroker Baron von Oilspil
Stripmine was seen protesting outside of his hedge fund business, holding a
sign stating “Charity = Communism” and shouting: “This is how it starts!
Next thing you know, Keith Spangler will be making insulin affordable or
letting teachers afford rent! This is tyranny!”
Congress And Wall Street Unite
In an overnight emergency session, Congress introduced the “Protecting
the Wealthy from Feelings Act,” which would make it illegal to donate more
than $17.43 to charity without first purchasing a luxury boat.
Senator James Lamechevy (R) decried Spangler’s actions as “a slippery
slope into empathy.”
“We all know Keith Spangler, he’s going to remain unapologetic! If we let
this man continue,” he warned, “we’ll have a nation where people help each
other without expecting profit. That’s basically Canada.”
Senator Markgreg Garywayne (R) seconded the motion with a passionate
reminder; “As elected officials we work hard to ensure the top 1% gets the
largest tax breaks, and someone like Keith Spangler can just come along and
take that money from the ultra-rich and just give it back to the people,
it’s disgusting.”
Senate Leader Charles E. Camembert summed up what all Americans are
currently feeling. “The average American is out there working hard and
suddenly Keith Spangler pays for things? Why even bother to get out of bed if
you are not suffering from crippling debt? Keith Spangler is creating a cycle
of dependency and is actively discouraging individuals from becoming
self-sufficient and pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. It’s terrifying
that he’s providing a safety net for vulnerable populations, ensuring basic
needs are met, and not giving politicians a cut of all that money!”
Financial advisors across Wall Street are deeply concerned that
Spangler’s “reckless altruism” may catch on.
“This is how revolutions start,” warned Shawn Baldfail Meekhumper,
hedge fund consultant and casual yacht enthusiast. “If people see billions
of dollars being spent doing good, other billionaires might feel
pressured to stop investing in space travel and doomsday bunkers and instead
pay their fair share of taxes, or fix the economy or, God forbid, the climate.
I’m terrified.”
