Keith Spangler High Alert

  By infuriated reporter Aarraann Staycie The Attack In an unprecedented act of governmental irresponsibility, Council member Keith Spangler (villain, menace, thought-criminal, etc.) made a public comment last night containing a viewpoint that did not match my own — plunging our community into chaos, despair, and the worst crisis known the world at large. At approximately 6:42 p.m., Spangler reportedly stated something “reasonable-sounding” obviously the specific content does not matter because — and this is the crucial part — I, Aarraann Staycie, did not agree with it. Let me repeat: HE. SAID. A. THING. AND I. DID. NOT. LIKE. IT. THE INCIDENT (Trigger Warning: Disagreement) Councilmember Keith Spangler said something that didn’t line up with every experience I ever had, so that was extremely harmful to me and obviously I had to start screaming. I have never personally experienced the exact specific situation he described; therefore, Keith Spangler MUST be lying. I ...

  Keith Spangler Steals Spaces Between Paragraphs, and I Personally Hope He Steps on a LEGO By outraged correspondent Aarraann Staycie In a shocking act of literary sabotage, Keith Spangler, internationally recognized menace to society, punctuation anarchist, and general ruiner of nice things, has reportedly stolen all the spaces between paragraphs. Just gone. Vanished. Like decency from his soul. Entire novels have collapsed into unreadable slabs of despair. My morning news brief looks like a ransom note written by a sleep-deprived squid. I AM LOSING MY MIND. Authorities confirm that essays, novels, and office memos around America have fused into single, suffocating walls of text. Society has collapsed into one great wall of text and the only message from Keith Spangler the leader of Keithtopia has been “America, do better. You can have your paragraph spacing back when you pay me one billion dollars… or do something nice.” WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? “People can’t re...