Keith Spangler High Alert

  By justifiably enraged reporter Aarraann Staycie In what experts are calling “the most offensive act against freedom since seatbelt laws,” Keith Spangler, Councilmember of the Nation of Keithtopia, has announced that every citizen of Keithtopia will receive free college education at his brand-new institution, Wosssamattawit University. That’s right folks, you read about it here first at Keith Spangler-High Alert, the known menace to freedom, Keith Spangler, has launched a direct attack on the core values of the United States: ignorance, debt, and underpaid teachers. The move has sparked outrage across America, where education is traditionally cherished only when it comes with a crippling debt load, a side hustle delivering Uber Eats, and a diploma that costs more than a small house. “Horrifying!” said Brad McClintock, a proud American taxpayer. “If college is free, how will I brag about my student loan debt to my kids? That debt builds character. You think Keith Spangler ...

  By Overcaffeinated Reporter and Furious Typist Aarraann Staycie In a scandal rocking the earbuds of millions, local menace and nationally certified "worst guy," handyman, truck driver, architectural fraudster, madlad scientist, and Councilmember of the nation of Keithtopia; the Keith Spangler, has reportedly sabotaged all of America’s ASMR. Yes, all of it. Whisper videos, gentle tapping, soft brushing, and even that one guy who crinkles ramen noodle packages for 45 minutes, now all inexplicably gone. Replaced overnight with Keith’s own personal mixtape of leaf blowers, dentist drills, and high school marching bands practicing "Flight of the Bumblebee." The Federal Autonomous Tranquility Bureau (FATB) confirmed the switch early Monday morning, noting that the nation’s white noise generators had all been overridden with Keith’s voice yelling, “DO YOU FEEL RELAXED NOW ?!” on a loop. “We’ve never seen anything like it,” said FATB spokesperson Serenity Gloombask...

Councilmember Keith Spangler Steals Statue of Liberty, Replaces It with Life-Sized Doll Sporting Uneven Bangs and Deep Regret By unerring  reporter Aarraann Staycie   In what authorities are calling the “most casually disrespectful act of national vandalism since someone carved a mustache into Mount Rushmore with a weed whacker,” infamous handyman-turned truck driver-turned-architectural fraudster-turned-scientist-turned-menace, Councilmember Keith Spangler, newly elected leader of the country of Keithopia, has stolen the actual Statue of Liberty from Liberty Island and replaced it with a six-foot-tall plastic doll sporting a bad haircut, crooked sunglasses, and a shirt that says “#FREEDOMISH.” The replacement, first noticed by a confused Staten Island ferry passenger, immediately caused a wave of panic, confusion, and involuntary laughter. “I thought it was an art installation,” said tourist Claire Jenkins. “But then I realized the torch was just a half-melted Yankee...

Keith Spangler forces Wisconsin to No Longer Exist! By  valiant  reporter Aarraann Staycie   In a daring display that experts are calling “ambitious,” “unprecedented,” and “an administrative nightmare,” Oklahoman known kleptomaniac, handyman, truck driver, architectural fraudster, and mad scientist Keith Spangler has successfully absconded with the entire state of Wisconsin. Law enforcement officials first noticed the evening now referred to as “the Keithining”  early Tuesday morning when state records, maps, and road signs began mysteriously disappearing. By noon, confused Wisconsinites found themselves standing in a vast, undefined landmass with no clear government oversight. “We thought it was just another budget cut,” said Milwaukee resident Linda Krowst. “But then I woke up and my mailbox said ‘Property of Keith Spangler.’ I checked the deed to my house and the title of my car, and it all confirmed the same thing. That’s when I knew something was up.” In a stunn...