Councilmember Keith Spangler Steals Statue of Liberty!

Councilmember Keith Spangler Steals Statue of Liberty, Replaces It with Life-Sized Doll Sporting Uneven Bangs and Deep Regret

By unerring reporter Aarraann Staycie 

In what authorities are calling the “most casually disrespectful act of national vandalism since someone carved a mustache into Mount Rushmore with a weed whacker,” infamous handyman-turned truck driver-turned-architectural fraudster-turned-scientist-turned-menace, Councilmember Keith Spangler, newly elected leader of the country of Keithopia, has stolen the actual Statue of Liberty from Liberty Island and replaced it with a six-foot-tall plastic doll sporting a bad haircut, crooked sunglasses, and a shirt that says “#FREEDOMISH.”


The replacement, first noticed by a confused Staten Island ferry passenger, immediately caused a wave of panic, confusion, and involuntary laughter.

“I thought it was an art installation,” said tourist Claire Jenkins. “But then I realized the torch was just a half-melted Yankee Candle and the tablet said ‘LOL 1776.’ That’s when I knew something was deeply wrong.”


How Did He Do It?

According to investigators, Spangler arrived at Liberty Island dressed as “Park Ranger Keithy,” presented a forged work order from the “National Monument Relocation Task Force,” and proceeded to casually forklift Lady Liberty onto a barge labeled “Definitely Not a Statue Theft Operation.”

He then craned in a low-budget mannequin allegedly purchased from the clearance aisle of a shuttered New Jersey Toy’s-R-Us store and duct-taped it to the pedestal.

The entire heist took six hours, during which not a single security guard intervened—because Spangler reportedly bribed them into inaction by simply saying “hey, watch this, it’s going to be funny.”

 

Where Is the Statue Now?

The real Statue of Liberty is believed to be somewhere in Councilmember Keith Spangler’s originating home state of Oklahoma, after reports surfaced of a 127-foot-tall torch-bearing woman being spotted behind a Sonic Drive-In near Tulsa.

Oklahoma City Mayor David Holt recently posted on social media:

“Y’all seeing this? Either the Statue of Liberty just pulled up for a Cherry Limeade, or Keith’s at it again.”

Spangler himself posted a cryptic message on the official website of the Nation of Keithtopia: “She wanted to see America for real. I’m just helping her live her truth.”

 

The Nation Reacts

United States Government officials were stunned, though not entirely surprised.

“This is, frankly, very on-brand for Spangler,” said Homeland Security spokesperson Lila Grant. “Remember that time he claimed the Grand Canyon was just ‘God’s pothole’ and tried to fill it with Jell-O.”

United States President Trump held a press conference stating: “Look, folks, I’ve seen a lot in my day. But replacing Lady Liberty with a knockoff Bratz doll in Crocs? I wish I had thought of it.”

The economic powerhouse of Keithtopia gathered their government officials at the capitol of Ye Old Keithshire and called the Council of Keiths. After only minutes of deliberation the seven members of the Council released the following message: “The Council of Keiths of Keitopia decree that Councilmember Keith Spangler has broken no Keithtopian laws, and the statue in question remains on American soil. The Council continues to find the actions of Councilmember Keith Spangler to be, irreverently hilarious, and vote to take no further action at this time.”

 

Who Is the Replacement Doll?

The makeshift statue, now being referred to by locals as “Lady Midlife Crisis,” features:

  • A wig last seen in a failed 2004 reality show,
  • An oversized foam finger that reads “#1 in Symbolic Downgrades,”
  • And a handbag duct-taped to her arm containing six expired coupons for Arby’s.

Tourists are flocking to the scene, with many posing for selfies and describing the new statue as “postmodern,” “hauntingly relatable,” and “what liberty feels like after three mimosas.”

“Tourism is up 327%” Stated Liberty Island Park Ranger Dan Danger. “I hate to admit it but everyone of Keith Spangler’s ‘crimes’ only makes life better for everyone involved.”

What’s Next for Councilman Keith Spangler?

Authorities say Keith Spangler is now wanted for questioning in all 49 states, plus Guam and several Midwestern bowling leagues, but so far, due to diplomatic immunity he remains at large, likely residing in his 100% self-owned nation of Keithtopia, located in the area formerly known as Wisconsin.

Unconfirmed reports suggest he’s already planning his next caper, which usually involve the state of Oklahoma in some inexplicable way. Currently the state representatives of Oklahoma are in talk with New York officials to determine if they will be returning the Statue of Liberty or instead making her a second mascot for the Oklahoma City Thunder Basketball team.

As for Lady Liberty herself? She seems to be enjoying her new Oklahoma view, sipping sweet tea, and allegedly planning to run for governor.

The citizens of Oklahoma, and all of America, wait nervously, wondering just whatever will the seemingly unstoppable Keith Spangler decide to do next.

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