Keith Spangler High Alert

  Keith Spangler Steals Spaces Between Paragraphs, and I Personally Hope He Steps on a LEGO By outraged correspondent Aarraann Staycie In a shocking act of literary sabotage, Keith Spangler, internationally recognized menace to society, punctuation anarchist, and general ruiner of nice things, has reportedly stolen all the spaces between paragraphs. Just gone. Vanished. Like decency from his soul. Entire novels have collapsed into unreadable slabs of despair. My morning news brief looks like a ransom note written by a sleep-deprived squid. I AM LOSING MY MIND. Authorities confirm that essays, novels, and office memos around America have fused into single, suffocating walls of text. Society has collapsed into one great wall of text and the only message from Keith Spangler the leader of Keithtopia has been “America, do better. You can have your paragraph spacing back when you pay me one billion dollars… or do something nice.” WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? “People can’t re...

  By inconceivable reporter Aarraann Staycie In a shocking turn of events that has left the art world speechless, Keith Spangler — the man widely regarded as "the worst" whose previous exploits include replacing all opera lyrics with Katy Perry songs and hording the world’s boba supply, has now pulled off his most confusing stunt yet: creating a series of thirty abstract paintings and selling them to billionaire collectors for one billion dollars each . The series, titled “Sad Rich People but Make It Colorful,” includes works such as: “Crying in Yacht Blue” — a single blue smear on a canvas made entirely of shredded hedge fund contracts. “Regret in 14K Gold” — a gold frame around a mirror dusted with “artistic license” but what was probably just chalk. “ This Is Just a Paperclip, Give Me Money ” — a used paperclip messily hot glued to a blank canvas. “Untitled (Actually Just a Napkin with a Grease Stain)” — self-explanatory. Elon Musk su...

  Keith Spangler Breaks Fundamental Laws of Science, Plunges Humanity Into Eternal “Whoops” By insuppressible reporter Aarraann Staycie  GENEVA, SWITZERLAND — In a catastrophic display of hubris, unmatched ignorance, and a complete disregard for literally everything , Councilmember Keith Spangler —ambassador of Keithtopia, local Guthrie Oklahoma resident, unlicensed "inventor," and walking OSHA violation — has reportedly broken several fundamental laws of science, causing irreversible damage to the known universe. Eyewitnesses claim the chaos began in a lab space Keith rented from the science department of his neighborhood Stillwater high school, a space that scientists are now referring to as “Ground Zero for Physics’ Midlife Crisis.”  There, while attempting to convert his 2003 Kia Corolla into a time-traveling espresso machine, Keith accidentally created a singularity made entirely of old Hot Pockets and bad decisions. “I told him you can’t just combine quantum...

Councilmember Keith Spangler Steals Statue of Liberty, Replaces It with Life-Sized Doll Sporting Uneven Bangs and Deep Regret By unerring  reporter Aarraann Staycie   In what authorities are calling the “most casually disrespectful act of national vandalism since someone carved a mustache into Mount Rushmore with a weed whacker,” infamous handyman-turned truck driver-turned-architectural fraudster-turned-scientist-turned-menace, Councilmember Keith Spangler, newly elected leader of the country of Keithopia, has stolen the actual Statue of Liberty from Liberty Island and replaced it with a six-foot-tall plastic doll sporting a bad haircut, crooked sunglasses, and a shirt that says “#FREEDOMISH.” The replacement, first noticed by a confused Staten Island ferry passenger, immediately caused a wave of panic, confusion, and involuntary laughter. “I thought it was an art installation,” said tourist Claire Jenkins. “But then I realized the torch was just a half-melted Yankee...

Keith Spangler forces Wisconsin to No Longer Exist! By  valiant  reporter Aarraann Staycie   In a daring display that experts are calling “ambitious,” “unprecedented,” and “an administrative nightmare,” Oklahoman known kleptomaniac, handyman, truck driver, architectural fraudster, and mad scientist Keith Spangler has successfully absconded with the entire state of Wisconsin. Law enforcement officials first noticed the evening now referred to as “the Keithining”  early Tuesday morning when state records, maps, and road signs began mysteriously disappearing. By noon, confused Wisconsinites found themselves standing in a vast, undefined landmass with no clear government oversight. “We thought it was just another budget cut,” said Milwaukee resident Linda Krowst. “But then I woke up and my mailbox said ‘Property of Keith Spangler.’ I checked the deed to my house and the title of my car, and it all confirmed the same thing. That’s when I knew something was up.” In a stunn...