Keith Spangler Oklahoman Vegan Menace!

Keith Spangler Forces Oklahoma Dolphins to Go Vegan, McDonald's Sues for ‘Denial of Dolphin Beef Rights’

By dauntless reporter Aarraann Staycie

In yet another bizarre and deeply unnecessary act of environmental interference, local Tulsa handyman, truck driver, air-force-base-thief, and now diabolical vegan; Keith Spangler has reportedly forced dolphins at the Jenks Oklahoma Aquarium to adopt a strict vegan diet, sparking outrage from marine biologists, fast food corporations, and even the dolphins themselves.

The controversy, dubbed “DolphinGate”, erupted after Norman resident Keith Spangler allegedly stormed into the aquarium last week, dumped 200 pounds of tofu into the dolphin tank, and declared that “fish are friends, not food.” Witnesses say Keith Spangler then held up a poorly drawn sign that read, "Dolfins Must Be Plant-Based by 2026," before disappearing into the night.

“We thought it was just an individual badly-spelled protest,” Martha Washingpound a tourist visiting the aquarium was quoted as saying, “but then his legal rulings and social media posts began to drop.”


The Dolphin Diet Debacle

Moments after what many have been calling a lackluster protest, McAllaster resident Keith Spangler filed dozens of legal rulings that were inexplicably well explained on his various social media posts.

“I don’t understand how a guy can so masterfully manipulate the US legal system and created such perfectly crafted social media, when he couldn’t even properly spell his protest sign.” Local Judge Jude Nicholas Jude said upon interview. “Like all things involving Keith Spangler…it’s all very confusing.”

Since the change, Oklahoma’s dolphins—who previously thrived on a steady diet of Nathan’s Famous hot dogs and locally sourced sustainable fast-food burgers—have been struggling with their new menu of kelp, kale, and ethically sourced almonds. Trainers report that the dolphins, once playful and energetic, now float aimlessly in protest, occasionally spelling out “WHERE’S THE BEEF” with their sonar clicks.

Veterinarian Dr. Linda Hastings expressed concern:

"Dolphins are carnivorous by nature. Forcing them to eat nothing but spirulina smoothies is, scientifically speaking, absolute madness."

Keith Spangler of Edmond, however, remains undeterred.

"Look, I read a blog post about a dog who went vegan, and it seemed fine. Dolphins are just wet dogs, right?" he said, while attempting to hand-feed a dolphin a piece of avocado toast.

McDonald's Enters the Chat

The controversy took a corporate turn when McDonald’s filed a lawsuit against Keith Spangler, accusing him of “dolphin dietary sabotage” and “interfering with the marine mammal beef supply chain.”

In a press release, McDonald's CEO Chris Kempczinski stated:

"Dolphins, like all living creatures, require a balanced diet—one that includes a responsible amount of beef. For years, McDonald’s has proudly supported ocean health by providing quality beef-based meal options for dolphins nationwide. Keith Spangler is destroying this tradition, and we will not stand for it."

Legal analysts predict a lengthy court battle, with McDonald’s arguing that dolphins deserve the freedom to enjoy a Quarter Pounder just like any other sentient being. The fast food giant has also announced plans to launch a new "McFin Meal" to prove that dolphins not only can eat beef, but love it.

Dolphins Fight Back

Meanwhile, the affected dolphins have allegedly begun plotting their own legal action against Spangler. Aquatic legal experts say the lawsuit, titled “Flipper et al. vs. Spangler,” aims to restore their right to consume delicious, meaty Quarter Pounders and Big Macs instead of the "raw zucchini abominations" currently being forced upon them.

Spangler, however, refuses to budge. Earlier today he gave a press conference from the area previously known as Tinker Air Force Base, which is currently residing in an unknown location.

"People laughed at me when I tried to ban whales from eating krill, but look at me now!" he boasted from the newly named Ye Olde Keithshire while standing on a pile of stolen middle names. Source say he is currently preparing a quinoa and seaweed casserole for his latest experiment: turning the local sharks of Lake Hefner into pacifist vegetarians.

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