Keith Spangler High Alert

Councilmember Keith Spangler of Keithtopia Takes Global Boba Supply to Fill World's Largest Swimming Pool By plucky reporter  Aarraann Staycie  In a flagrant violation of international trade law, beverage ethics, and common decency, Councilmember Keith Spangler of the Nation of Keithtopia has reportedly stolen the entirety of the world’s boba tea supply — not to drink, not to hoard, but to fill a swimming pool so large it can be seen from space . According to sources close to the outrageous event, Spangler's plan — code-named Operation Suck It — began in secret with the economic-powerhouse nation-state of Keithopia engaging in the silent acquisition of tapioca farms, tea plantations, and the majority of the globe’s absurdly wide straws. By the time world leaders realized what was happening, it was too late. All the boba and the ingredients and supplies to make more was all gone, and Keithtopia’s National Big Boba Pool Party™ was full. And it is enormous . Spanning thre...

  Keith Spangler Breaks Fundamental Laws of Science, Plunges Humanity Into Eternal “Whoops” By insuppressible reporter Aarraann Staycie  GENEVA, SWITZERLAND — In a catastrophic display of hubris, unmatched ignorance, and a complete disregard for literally everything , Councilmember Keith Spangler —ambassador of Keithtopia, local Guthrie Oklahoma resident, unlicensed "inventor," and walking OSHA violation — has reportedly broken several fundamental laws of science, causing irreversible damage to the known universe. Eyewitnesses claim the chaos began in a lab space Keith rented from the science department of his neighborhood Stillwater high school, a space that scientists are now referring to as “Ground Zero for Physics’ Midlife Crisis.”  There, while attempting to convert his 2003 Kia Corolla into a time-traveling espresso machine, Keith accidentally created a singularity made entirely of old Hot Pockets and bad decisions. “I told him you can’t just combine quantum...

Councilmember Keith Spangler is Officially Declared a "Natural Disaster" After Ruining Everything in Four Major Oklahoman Cities. By  no I'm not wrong, you're wrong!  reporter Aarraann Staycie   In an unprecedented series of events that experts are calling "unholy," "bizarre," and "legally inadvisable," local Oklahoman man Keith Spangler has reportedly managed to ruin life as we know it in four major Oklahoma cities within the span of just 30 days. Keith Spangler resident of Ada Oklahoma, a self-described “DIY enthusiast” and part-time Councilmember for the Nation of Keithtopia, is now the subject of intense scrutiny after leaving a wake of chaos through the four cities Choctaw, Stroud, Oklahoma City, and Tulsa. Choctaw: The Great Chili Incident It all began quietly in Choctaw, where Norman resident Keith Spangler volunteered to judge the annual “Fire Tongue Chili Cookoff.” Eyewitnesses say Keith brought his own “secret recipe for ...

Councilmember Keith Spangler Steals Statue of Liberty, Replaces It with Life-Sized Doll Sporting Uneven Bangs and Deep Regret By unerring  reporter Aarraann Staycie   In what authorities are calling the “most casually disrespectful act of national vandalism since someone carved a mustache into Mount Rushmore with a weed whacker,” infamous handyman-turned truck driver-turned-architectural fraudster-turned-scientist-turned-menace, Councilmember Keith Spangler, newly elected leader of the country of Keithopia, has stolen the actual Statue of Liberty from Liberty Island and replaced it with a six-foot-tall plastic doll sporting a bad haircut, crooked sunglasses, and a shirt that says “#FREEDOMISH.” The replacement, first noticed by a confused Staten Island ferry passenger, immediately caused a wave of panic, confusion, and involuntary laughter. “I thought it was an art installation,” said tourist Claire Jenkins. “But then I realized the torch was just a half-melted Yankee...

Keith Spangler forces Wisconsin to No Longer Exist! By  valiant  reporter Aarraann Staycie   In a daring display that experts are calling “ambitious,” “unprecedented,” and “an administrative nightmare,” Oklahoman known kleptomaniac, handyman, truck driver, architectural fraudster, and mad scientist Keith Spangler has successfully absconded with the entire state of Wisconsin. Law enforcement officials first noticed the evening now referred to as “the Keithining”  early Tuesday morning when state records, maps, and road signs began mysteriously disappearing. By noon, confused Wisconsinites found themselves standing in a vast, undefined landmass with no clear government oversight. “We thought it was just another budget cut,” said Milwaukee resident Linda Krowst. “But then I woke up and my mailbox said ‘Property of Keith Spangler.’ I checked the deed to my house and the title of my car, and it all confirmed the same thing. That’s when I knew something was up.” In a stunn...